Learning Journey

hanging there.

2008-03-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

the past few wks have been torturous.
As i close a chapter of my frenship with someone, whom i trusted, and knew somewhat well, it pains me to see that this had to come to such an end.
Time will heal all wounds. Those inflicted on me and by me.
I tried to put myself in the person's shoes, and say that.. well... it muz be hard.. and i tried to comprehend.
But i juz couldnt.
I realised that the basis of that inablility to comprehend stemed from the different priorities we have in life.
I agree that i did the person wrong, and that i'm sorry abt it.though sorry cannot work wonders.
BUT.... i wont bring it this far.
even if u tell me that u have forgiven me, i can still see the smoke behind the curtains.

i think it wld be better for us not to meet.and i dun feel like meeting the person anymore.
ZILCH. NOPE.
somehow, i'm starting to get mad at the person.
The bd msg was juz lip service, and i think i deserve better.
i mean, if you dun feel like emailling me a bd msg, then dun.
Cos i'm nt forcing u to do so.
and u dun have to feel compel to maintain gd r/s with me.

miss ten has been driving me crazy for the past 1 wk... and i really need a break.
my own packing is almost done... juz that i got overweight luggage... and not even space for everything!!!
i need a break frm the company pple who are asking more on the company tat i'm going to wrok for.
the start up that i'm working for shld have been a secret... and i had on many occassions said a white lie.. so that i dun ahve to answer those qns..
it doesnt' help that there are pple who are going ard the company , shouting at the top of the roof that she's coming back...

i need to be able to laugh at myself....
the overcritical spirit of myself.. is nt doing me gd..
God, pls come thr' for me!

first job offer...

2008-02-27T19:45:00.001-08:00

Tmr i will get my very first job offer..
It's kind of nerve wrecking.. when i dunno whether what the normal "terms and conditions" are in the first place.
and there are so many outstanding issues to be covered.

kinda scared.. cos pple here are kind of in the same boat.. and i dunno whether even if i ask the pple's opinion, wld they be honest with me?

It's like everyone is second-guessing everyone.
Or am i , being usual, and reading too much into it?

A senior at training,did not return my msn msg for 3 days after they had the meeting, prior to us...
Someone threw this idea at me- that... i shld nt expect the relationship to be the same.
They might be eager to get news frm me, and they dun wanna share the news.
The thing is that... is this a perception or this is the truth?
if it is the truth, then it's scary.. cos pple are juz manipulating me..
*shudders*

i think i prob lack the confidence to want to do my own thing.
tat's prob the problem that i have now.

haiz... i wonder if s is doing the same thing to me?
Simply manipulative?

anyway, i shldn't focus on the negative tots...
and hopefully the offer is GOOD!!!
hhehe...

blah..

2008-02-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

i sort of told my housemate abt s.
she agrees that he treats me rather well... and that there are times when he do something weird..
like suddenly wanting to go out for 7 days a wk...

but she also agreed that things with him are going to be complicated.
she was telling me taht she thinks he's probably gonna ask me out when we get back to singapore.
but this time, only me.
tat's wat she expect.. and actually me too..
but we shall see.

mayb he'll forget all abt me, and that we will start with a clean slate.
argg... i shall focus on the truth, on the present only!!

DD day tmr

2008-02-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

In 6 hrs, he wld be packed off in a plane and going home liao.
I hope that i will nt cry at the airport... to see him leave.
The tot of him not coming back with us... makes things look bleaker.

even today in the lab, tots of him nt coming back with us, wld suddenly strike me and i wld feel so lost at once.
i shall, muz not cry tmr.

we went out for dinner tonight, and he told 10 the reason for his wanting to come out and eat.
we reached home rather late, and he juz had to remind me that it is his last night in boston.
made me feel even sadder.

today sy told me something very funny.
apparently, Marta got interested and asked SY whether s and i are dating.
i believe that it is sy's interest as well that she came and ask me
i merely said taht we are nt dating but juz gd frens.
with this said, it means that i muz not mess up my reactions after he is gone, and muz continue to keep an upbeat spirit...
that is the LONG shot.

the fragility of life.

2008-02-19T19:19:00.000-08:00

how things changes from one moment to another.
first, he told me that his aunt got cancer.
then we were toking abt it... like how his family .. ENTIRE family was in cahoots not to let him know.... and he was like a bit upset abt that....

a few hrs later, he was msning wiht me and told me to call him on skype.
apparently, it was a greater web of deceit that he first tot...
his family had been paying the hospital bills for his aunt's family and had been going over for 3-4 mths to cook for his aunt's family and have their meals...
and hence, there's a financial burden on his family...
From someone who was so sure that he was gonna stay, to someone who has to prob stay in singapore... Indeed, God is soverign.
So now, he faces a dilemma.
Shld he be selfish and continue to stay here, or shld he juz go back to teaching?
R n D can never pay him that kind of money that teaching does.
and if he goes back to teaching, i'm probably not gonna see him for 6-9 mths... shld i stay on.
we'll see hw...

but, somehow the tot of not seeing him... makes me feel edgey...
we went home together, and he was telling me all abt his family and stuff... some very personal stuff... and somehow, i'm not sure whether i'm gonna survive without listening to his stories for 5 wks...
he said this to me over msn:
I know....after knowing you for so long I know I can talk to you....but don't tell anyone of this yet can?

I know you never tell and I trust you which is why I can tell you a lot of my personal stuff""

haiz..wat i can do is pray for him and his family...

juz a bit disturbed.

2008-02-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

with the last few days with him, there's juz this feeling of unrest or even restlessness within me.
when he asked me out yesterday,it was kinda nice. we juz chatted non-stop...
i guess for that it was more of a fren thingy, but yet at the same time, i wanted to know whether there's more? i guess that's the unrest tat's pending up within me. the "inability to know".

Today he asked me out again. asking me if i wanna go coach to grab something for my fren.
orginally i tot that YL won't be coming-since she declined to come yesterday...
but she did today.. and somehow the conversations were kinda strained.

he has slowly become a innate part of my life. seriously with him back home, i really dun wat will my reaction b.
haiz... juz need to struggle with myself a bit more, and i will be free... :)

last few days...

2008-02-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

He's leaving on this thursday..
the 3 of us had been out together for the past 4 days...
except for yesterday where it was juz the both of us.
i'm nt sure whether he was more chatty yesterday or it was hte presence of 10 that he din tok so much.
or it cld be that we saw each other way too often.
feeling kinda sad that he's gonna be away...
but it's gd.... there's a 5 wk break, n mayb i wld discover more abt my feelings.

unknown guy part 3

2008-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

to all those who were worried abt me, and whether i went to church a not..
well i din go to churhc today, bcos golda was not able to pick me up..
after a few more wks, i shld be able to go ...

apparently i think that guy was trying to get a date on Vday...
bcos he stopped calling after V day.. or rather stop giving me msgs...
But i think i'll still exchange my no with uncle.
not much of an update...

thoughts on r/s and men

2008-02-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

day 2 of the foolish act...
the guy is very persistent..
he keeps calling and smses and left me a voice mail which indicated he wanted to have coffee session with me..
Freaked out... with change phone with uncle when he leaves..

while we were on this topic, Yl was teasing me abt this black guy.. and that i have a date on V day...we started to tok about the past... and how we dun get dates on that very depressing day...

and we started to talk abt our past crushes/ relationships/ the type of guys we met... and the kind of crazy things we did in the past...
it's one of the more enriching conversations that we had..
i told her abt my "first" bf, and like hw we broke up...
abt the internet guy that i got to noe thr' my fren, and wld send me cards and his pics.. but that guy was really sweet.... if i din tok abt my "first" bf, i wond;t have tot of him again.
Suddenly i wonder if he still lives in the same place.
abt hte guy who sat beside me when i was in sec 2, whom my close fren was in love with, and told him abt her feelings...but...he liked someone else instead...

and even frm the guys that i had a crush in recent times, i came to realise that of all, only one crush remains deeply etched in my heart. To say that i truly loved him,might even be possible... but "wat is done is done". Time is the best medicine for myheart.

YL told me her story... and it's really sad...
a lot of regret, and pain and sadness..
i dun think that i wld have done so...?
she showed me an email that he wrote to her saying that he was sorry for making her wait, and that his answer/choice wld be his gf. The guy approached her to be his gf... but she told him to go back to his gf, though she was deeply in love with him.
when i read that email... i really felt sad for her..that like tears were swelling up in my eyes

i can not understand hw guys can juz be so rational abt everyhing.
and i came to really SEE, open eyes big big, to be totally rational abt it that juz because a guy treats u well, dun mean that he likes u..
juz becos he likes u dun mean u need to like him.

JUZ becos a guy treats u well, dun mean that he likes u..

this i need to remember..
and as i prone upon it, i realise that mayb i was being too oversenstive abt uncle, and that we are juz companions on the route.
sometimes it's funny like how one day u are totally sure that he is juz treating u as a fren, and another day u saw something "more" ..
hw can our emotions ever be stable!!!
haiz... anyway, need bed... nites to the world.

The stupid thing i did today

2008-02-10T18:43:00.000-08:00

I did a very stuppppiiiddd thing today..
So stupid that i canot believe i did it....

I gave my no. to a stranger.

How stupid can i get...

and it;s kind of freaking me out....

here's the story....

i was on my way to chruch today... i usually attend the 4pm service but today i was meeting a fren at 11am, for the service at 11 and we were going to go for the 4pm service as well....

So as i was exiting the underground station, and that i had to climb a stair to reach to the ground level.

when i was halfway up the stairs, a man stopped me and toked to me.

the first thing that he said was,,,: "U attend Park Street... I sat next to u on one service..."

and he was busy introducing himself to me... telling me his name, and before i reach the clearance, he whipped out a pen and gave me his name and hp no.

SO..... he was telling me that he's taking a jap lesson at MIT blah blah blah...

and he aked for my no.

At this pt, ur fren juz wanted to get out of there and i made up my mind to NOT pick up the call....

and so, i gave this PERSON MY NO.......

CLAP CLAP CLAP

WINNER RIGHT??????

GUESS WAT...... He said he wld call me TONIGHT

And true enough, it was not even night when he called me...

3pm isnt wat u call night here...

and the winner thing was... the fren i was with, picked up the call when he called..

and she was saying that..." I NO SPEAK ENGLISH!!"

and the guy was still persistent...

after my fren hung up on him, he called again.. followed by 2 sms..

the funny thing was that when he called.. he " privatized" his no...

here u can do that by juz dialing * 67 followed by the no u want

and the most freaking thing of all was that... i dun remember this guy, but he cld remember me.

Given that he's an african american, it wld probably be hard for him to differentiate me from other asians... but the fact that he can pick me out in a crowd is freaky...

the reason y i think he really sat beside me was that... there is no reason y he wld noe that i'm attending park street.. though the station is park street... park street is like city hall...

u won't think that pple at cityhall station is attending St. Andrew Cathedral.

anyway, i'm juz switching my phone for the next few days.

JUZ so STUPPIIIDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pics frm renee's farewell...

2008-01-26T21:57:00.000-08:00

Renee left last thursday frm boston logan airport.

Somehow, things turned out wiht her to be much better, though at times u can do nothing but scratch ur head and wonder what's up with her...

But ever since she's gone, we took down the bed sheet that divided the living room and it feels different....

Pics for viewing Me n renee, with Jazz cafe in backgrd
the 3 women of the house
Me n cathy ( sup)
M and SY
All of us ( TAP trainees)

Me and S

All of us again.... ( and the cake was really Nice!!)

Gregg and I... Worked with Gregg when M went on maternity leave...

Cool and smart man ( he's frm Yale)

Pretty Mrs Foo.... Look so cute here!!!!

These are the pple that i work, live, play, hang out with for the last 18 mths...

note to self.

2008-01-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

Dear self,
U have not been ur usual self for the past 1 wk.
What is wrong with u?

Self to me:
Dear me, everything is wrong with me.
but i dunno wat is wrong... it makes me frustrated and it makes me scared.
It makes me wanna die immediately on the spot.
i have been irritated with self for the past 1 wk, but esp so today, when i messed up my reaction.
M told SY that m i stressed.
I am DEFINITELY stressed. To the pt that i have nothing to say and i juz suppressed it.
Worked till half way and i really wanted to sit in the park for a while. Just a while.

Y did i mess up that damned reaction? wat is wrong with me?
I tihnk i'm feeling stressed, cos i feel no one trusts me. and i'm juz one rotten person.
Spoke to chua abt it last night, and he was suggesting that it might be i'm prone to depression.
U see, deep inside, there's something bothering me. and yet i dun really noe wat it is.
It is precisely not knowing wat it is that bothers me again.

Sup asked SY m i stressed...? and to top things off... she asked if i am still worried abt Uncle S...
Winner liao... at that i'm speechless.
right now, if any one wld lend me ur shoulders.. juz let me wail/ cry it out, and i wld feel better.

Part of my stress came frm this wk's ER2 incident, after which work piled up.
And that sup kept asking hw things are..
and i keep messing things up... there is a deep sense of anxiety..which i cannot explain.
mayb it's the anxiety/ the fear that i'm not gd enough...

Taking care of S was like supping my energy..
THe other day he was telling me that he was super touched by our gestures.. and that he felt "loved"....
and i realising to my shock and horror, i very much wan to see him everyday...if nt, i will feel very irritated.
this is bad.. really bad..
I need my time out from him.. but yet i wan to spend time wiht him.
Contradictory rite?

mayb i'm thinking too much.
we are just friends..
We NEED to be juz friends.

I hate this shit that comes when i fall for a guy.
this whole thing of i like him, but i duno hw he feel.. or i like him but we cannot b together.
I juz need to wean off him.
I'm continuously fighting the attraction force that draws me to him....

HBK, STOP thinking abt the impossible and the untruths!!
Get a reality check....

I've got 3 days to settle to my old self, one that doesn't mess up the reactions.
Jesus, pls hold me... I'm too weak to hold on.

ER 2

2008-01-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

today was ER episode 2..at MGH and Mass Eye and ear infirmary.
Uncle has been experiencing blurriness in vision ever since he got better frm the viral infection.
Seriously, i tot that that was nothing serious.. and wld go away after he returns to his normal life... at work....
Sometimes staying at home too long wld give u feelings of dizziness..

uncle went home yesterday morning not long after he got to work..
Which was gd anyway, since there was a snow storm, and i defintely dun wan him to faint in the streets...
Seeing him being sick for so long and learning to my shock and horror that he hasnnt been taking care of himself, has added another burden to my shoulders.
pple had joking said to me that i had not watched over him well enough, and given him not enough TLC, tat's y he;s sick again.
But have pple ever considered what kind of position i m in?
seriously, Cross my heart, i'm helping and taking care of him bcos i wan to see him get well and it is entirely platonic.. there's nothing romantic in there...
I hope that he wld see Christ in me, and tat wld lead him to knowing God.
Tat is my most sincere prayer.

But, seriously, as a fren, if u keep going to his house, keep caring for him, pple ard u might start tothink other wise.
i went to his house once n we chatted for 1 hr. i think he was bored..
When i got back, my housemates were telling and " complaining " that i went for such a long time..
i'm also afraid tat i wld fall for him.
and i'm juz tired of worrying abt him liao.
whether he is eating.
As long as he is back on his feet, i will be able to rest.

I look forawrd to that day.

wat's happening...????

2008-01-10T17:46:00.000-08:00

I really dunno why...
Been feeling very frustrated and irritated these days...
there are things that i ought to do... and yet i dun wan to do it...
The tots of doing the presentations slides....juz burdens me, and crushes me...
I feel so tired...
what is it that i am continually fighting against...
what invisible wall is it that i am pushing against?

somehow these days at work had been so defeating...
things that i noe, but i juz forget....
reverting to the old me again...

I juz feel so tired... so so tired...
i juz wanna rest and relax...
like watch animation/tv at home... but i need to do my slides and reading up on my chemistry...
ARG....
the past wk i had nt been slping well and had been "injecting" caffeine...

I'm juz thankful tmr is friday.

2008-01-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

I no longer put titles..
Cos i seriously dunno wat to put down..

This wk so far had been tiring... and right now i'm still aiming to slp at 1030..

It started on sat, when mr.s called and asked me to bring him to the hospital.
High fever, and he called at 11pm...
result, staying in hte hospital until 5am, and took a cab back.
I tot tat it was a cold/flu...
but it was not... it was a viral infection. and up to this day, i've been visiting him every evening to make sure he doesn't die/faint without anyone's knowledge.

I had been asking myself,whether i am doing this bcos i "like" him or wat..
But i realised that it's bcos i am constantly reminded of the time that i was seriously sick.
With 40 degrees fever and my mum wanting to treat me using her remedy...
I suffered for 4 days, without getting better...
I dunno hw this looks to other pple... whether thye think i'm juz being weird...
HAIZ.

Job search has been tough... SO far i only saw 2 positions that i sort of like,
but one of it is in TUAS....
the position whihc is supposed to have some offer letter has turned up nothing at this mmt...
And i'm still waiting...

Waiting to apply to a company for a position...
there's no opening... been busy writing a cover letter..
and there's a presentation waiting for me to do....
I think i'm under a lot of stress.... shoulders aching again..
i wish pris was here to loosen those muscles.....

anyway, going to bed.
nites world.

no name post.

2007-12-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

A wandering soul.

I need an outlet.

2007-10-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

I seriously need an outlet abt what is going on.
mayb i am too sensitive... and if i tell other pple abt my suspicions, it wld be a "big" allegation to make.

Frm the other time that i blog abt the person, i came to established that he only tells me that he is going home. or he will "report" to me when he will be going home.

And that, i only know yesterday.. and i m feeling uneasy abt it.
apparently, he came to look for me and asked if i was ready to go.
I told him i needed another 5 -10 mins, and he told me he'll wait for me downstairs-at his desk.
So i went and looked for YL, and asked her if he asked/ told her that he's going home.
apparently he didn't do that.
and YL seemed to be oblivious of the fact that he was gone, though their lab hoods are nearer.

Later when we got home, i asked R whether he asked/ told her that he was going home..
apparently that was not the case.

And FYI, i sit at the other end of the lab.
pple ask me whether i like him.
I dunno ..
I really dunno... mayb it's juz nice to tok to him.
but one shld nt mistake that for love.
and, i dun see a future with him.

what then shld i do?
steer clear of him..?
God, pls guide me thr' this dark road, and draw me closer to u.

Emotional turmoil.

2007-09-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

I've finally being able to lean against the pillows in my bed, with a soft dim light by my side,typing away.

As i past into my 1st anniversary here in boston, I cannot help but be shocked at the rate at which things and time go past u...
Many pple wld tell me that this is the prime of my life. But somehow, i dun feel so..?
Does being in one's prime mean that one is lost? or that one has many options?
a year has just passed. Just like THAT.
25 Sept 2006, when i stepped into Logan Airport- it was the start of autumn.
25 Sept 2007, summer is ending and autumn is here soon.
I can still rememeber the first meal we had here, the first visit to THE house, the first trip that i had. Boston, even though i think that it is qt boring, will always have a special place in my heart.It is different from the other cities i have gone to.

now, back to the topic of 1 yr, what have i learnt over this time?
maturing as a person?
learning to deal with my own emotional stress better?
cannot help but see my own failures...
sometimes seeing them makes me more depressed.. and stressed, as i try even harder to overcome those probs..
seeing my failures make me understand my own need for a Savior, but it is that same thing that keeps me away from Him.

I have seen pple from all walks of life... and become frens with them.
pple whom i would not have known in singapore.
Bcos of this, u will also be exposed to the variety of pple.. the different mindsets, attitude , way of life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are somehtings that i have been trying to put it out of mind, but my heart finds it hard to let it go.
Someone told me that he's going to bring me out when i get back to singapore, to eat some of things that i wanna eat, and have nv eaten b4.
Whether this is an empty promise, i noe not.
in the realm of BGR, i am really a rookie. nono... a complete idiot.
He is one person that i noe that i shld stay clear of.
He told me part of his past, a part where no one else here noes.
I salute him for what he had gone thr' . My mind says "stay clear", my heart feels that why did he tell it to me?
I think that i'm viewing things thr' a rose-tinted glasses- one that sees a possiblity.
why does he keep asking me if i wan to go home, and whether i'm done?
why does he ask me if i am going for lunch?
why does he msn me and ask me whether i wan to go out on a wkend?
why does he put his hand on my shoulder when we are taking a pic?

To each of the question, i have the rational answer.
why does he keep asking me if i wan to go home, and whether i'm done?
He just wan someone to go home with him.
why does he ask me if i am going for lunch?
He just wan company.
why does he msn me and ask me whether i wan to go out on a wkend?
He just wan compnay.
why does he put his hand on my shoulder when we are taking a pic?
He's just being friendly.

And to top it off, a part of me ACTUALLY wans to be with him.

Bad omen.

I am the uninitated in the world of dating. To the naive me, all these seem to be laden with hidden meaning. But i noe that it could be me overreacting, and falling in love with LOVE himself. If anyone can make sense of what i am feeling, pls drop me a comment.

I noe that i m more sensitive and think more .... that's y i need frens to advise me... U will definitely see things clearer than me...

I need the strength and the will to walk away from this.

I keep reminding myself of his situation. of his reality.

i cannot imagine being on the trip with him, and a few others.

I will be stuck on the 7 hr flight with him ALONE, until we get to seattle.

God, please be with me. Amen.

My Savior's love

2007-09-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sang this song at church today. It is really meaningful, brought some tears to my eyes.

My Savior's love
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

For me it was in the garden
He prayed: “Not My will, but Thine.”
He had no tears for His own griefs,
But sweat drops of blood for mine.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

In pity angels beheld Him,
And came from the world of light
To comfort Him in the sorrows
He bore for my soul that night.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,’
Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

It was particularly toucihing for me, becos i had just recieved emails frm frens who were sincerely asking me how i was, updating me abt their lives.
Some were asking if my family needed anything, whether shld she go over and visit them, talk to them...
These were gestures that deeply moved me.
I'm really really blessed by these actions.
On top of that, May's coming over to US to visit me. Something which not a lot of trainees had.
Most of them had parents over, but not really friends.
YL was telling me that my frens all give me face- and fly over here to visit me.
I'm really blessed by these small gestures. It really does make a difference to me.

I realised more and more that i had been mauling over things that made me stress, or unhappy, instead of thinking positively.
If Pris is here, she'll definitely scold me and tell me that i'm too negative and shld look at things frm a brighter side.
Things like going to grad sch, career opportunities, personal developement has gone thr' my mind a zillion times, and preoccupied my mind that i had no time to think abt other things.
I've been thinking about doing a Masters in Chemistry, just that i'm not sure whether to do it concurrently when i'm serving my bond to the nation. that would translate into lessons after work, leave taking for examinations, and lab after labs.
Or wld i take a full time MAsters, and see if i do well enough to convert PhD?

I think i wld need time to think abt that ...

Unrealistic?

2007-08-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

I talk to a fren recently. the topic that played a part in me leaving my hometown arose again,
masked in the irritation, anger and hurt within the conversation.
she pointed out that i came bcos i wanted to escape some issues in my life,
and that i was being unrealistic bcos pple will fail me, disappoint me...

Then i realised that mayb i have been too perfectionistic?
In my friendships, i have most of the time looked for the best in the person.
That i believed that if a person mattered to you, you wld not give up so easily, you would not want to fail the perosn.
Of cos, in my case,they are ABSOUTELY unaware...

when i compare this with the experience when someone close failed me.
i teared, i cried, i asked God WHY?
but yet, i am able to love her after being disappointed.
So what is the crux?

Maybe sometimes the connection btw pple and me, is more of the mind than the heart.
In the mind, i can understand the topics we are talking abt.
In the heart, the distance is as far as the east is frm the west.
I still wonder why, sometimes my mind tells my heart, Believe in this person. Trust his heart for you.
Sometimes, my heart stops and tells the mind, I dun wan to be hurt, and disappointed again.
i dun wan to be vunerable.

i'm used to pple telling me that this is my prob.
the person i spoke to told me that
1. I have a choice
2. I shld forgive
3. I should TAME my MIND. phil 3

but i'm really tired.
If i forgive, it is bcos i wan to.
It is becos it is my choice to do so.
Not becos it is EXPECTED of me.

Oh well, Life goes on.

A nice day outside.

2007-08-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

Positive: It's a nice day outside, with gentle breeze and leaves swaying.

Negative: I'm stuck at home typing my quarterly report. :S

Dear God

2007-08-16T19:07:00.001-07:00

Dear God,

WHY?

Feeling murderous now.

2007-08-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

I really feel like strangling her neck.......
can u pls stop whining, cna u pls stop complaining.. can u pls stop trying to control what i think and how i do things?
can u pls stop imposing ur ways on mine????
Bcos it is really irritating!!!!!!!!!

Can u pls stop trying to emotional blackmail me?
Can u pls stop using words that are meant to induce guilt? bcos wat u do will juz keep me further and further away from u.
And if there come a day where we no longer talk. I will for certain not be surprised nor sympathic bcos u brought it upon urself.
Just like when u told me that u will not be sympathetic if i get my fingers slammed by the car door for the 3rd time.

period.
Stop shoving in my face the different timing and bus and air tix fares
Stop telling me that u are not interested in museums, and dunno wat's there to do in Montreal!Stop telling me that u dun wan to go to the botanic gardens, nor the museums..
Then what do u wan to do?
there's more than just outdoors activities to bc considered here.
stop nagging at me to make a decision. I dun have the facts yet.
And STOP STOP pushing the blame to me- STOP accusing me of not being able to make decision and tell u how long we need to stay in montreal!!

Just Shut up. tat's the truth of the adage- Silence is GOLDEN.

surprised.

2007-07-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Somehow, i find myself having a crush on someone that i hang out with.
I pray that God will guard my heart, and prevent me frm sinking deeper into this.
bcos, it's gonna be a terrible mess....

God, pls watch over my heart.
Amen.

My inspiration

2007-06-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

This has been taken from Ruth Bell Graham's poem collection.
All i can say is that i am inspired by her, her life, and the great trust and faith she placed in Jesus.
I'm slowly learning that..sometimes we juz need to believe and live that life of abandonment to God.

what can i say?

2007-05-18T20:31:00.001-07:00

What can i say if u keep ur silence?
What can i say if it's juz a one sided friendship?
What can i say ?

i juz wan to say that i'm ur friend.
Not just in Singapore, but in US as well.
Distance will not change the relationship.
but distance with time will.

I have come to my wit's end.
to me, i feel so helpless.
phonecalls not answered, appointments not kept, timing forgotten.
U noe too that if u were me, u wld feel upset as well.
not to mention that the details of ur life are kept apart from me.
I'm worried/concerned abt u. and yet ur life and mine are separated.
How more cruel can this get?

First entry of the year

2007-01-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

Ha! this is the first entry of the year.
Kinda started the year with a bang, when i got into a lab accident..
after which things started not to go too well..

Kinda of feel miserable now ..
Bcos it was cold, and heater doesn't seem to really work..
Last night was boston's coldest day in 2 years..
It felt like -26 degrees celsius...and it can get veryy miserable in winter, when u dun get enough heat.
Even as i am typing now, i am trembling with cold..
How ironic, this winter had been deemed as boston's warmest winter but yet smacked right in mid winter is the coldest day in 2 years.

Wat was even better was that there was like the heater heating the basement frozen, so for the pple who were living downstairs, they were like in the blankets all night and wearing their down.
The landlord came in this morning and ;juz left with the whole fleet of men who were trying to solve the problem.

It could be me, or it could be the pple ard.
Am i being overly responsible for things that do not concern me?
or shld i act like the rest of the world and say that it does not concern me?
I cannot understand like when u had a part to play and all that pple juz hide in their rooms to do all their things?

this training has made me realised a lot of things abt myself.
mainly the bad things and my incompetence...
Now the major question remains...
wat do i do abt them...?

A short preview of my room..

2006-12-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

For those who are keen to know how my room looks like... Here is a short preview of the room that i am staying.

The other part of the room... I have 2 windows

This is the view outside my window.. the window that is further away frm my bed...
I love my room!

Some tots on Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

I read some of my frens blogs.. and see that on JY and Minmin's one, that there was a common theme of being grateful, of being aware of what God has done in their lives over the one year.

I think it is a virtue i really need to adopt- being truly grateful.

As i reflect on the meaning of Christmas, i am grateful that God has sent His Son, Jesus as a living sacrifice for all of us. What i admire more about Jesus is that He was never a whiner, never someone who was depressed, never was someone who bowed down to authorities of this earth.
For Someone who knew that He was coming here to die by one of the most terrible means in the ancient world, how can He not be depressed? The Bible descibes Jesus as " a man of sorrows" but yet, He did not ever imposed them on his disciples.

He never did whine abt the kind of death he was to suffer, which if i were in his shoes, i wld probably told the whole world abt it.

Christmas is my favourite festive holiday in the whole year, bcos there is always this silent simplicity on this special day. though many might be busy with Christmas shopping and all, but there is a serene peace that is associated with this day...

I went to church today.. and the christmas service was good..
though it was done in a traditional style where we kept standing up and sitting down..
but we sang carols and traditional songs...

I would wan to share one song that i love very much...
The name of the song is "Mary did you know?"
*************************************************************
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with His hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby you've kissed the face of God.

The blind will see The deaf will hear
The dead will live again The lame will leap
The dumb will speak The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the Great I Am.
****************************************************************

Pre- Christmas Mood

2006-12-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

With Corrine May's newest Christmas album songs playing in the background, the strange cocktail of moods starts to swirl together leaving me all bitter sweet and yet tinge of after sweetness remains...

Realised that i miss Christmas in singapore after all..
I miss all my frens in singapore...
Miss all the sights and sounds...
Miss the smell of rain in singapore...

The Pre-Christmas post

2006-12-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

It suddenly struck me that Christmas is REALLY ard the corner.
Somehow or other, i am caught in the whirlpool of work, managing my personal life and my social life that i have lost touch with how time flies.
It is a subtle reminder that i have been here for 3 mths, and another reminder that the year is going to end.
I feel that this year i had more questions than ever but no answers.
more whys and hows... and more of silence.

The shops are all pretty with red and white/ green decorations..
There is no way the shops in Singapore can do that..The Christmas mood is indeed stronger in this land. it is really very much commericalised..
FAR more than Singapore. okies, mayb i shld stop this singapore- boston ting..

I have been busy with work, and not been able to get away frm it to do some decent shopping.. until i went Wrentham. It is basically a branded factory outlet, with brands that many are worshippnig.. Levis, Guess, Coach... a Guess bag can be bought at 19 dollars ..

Thanks to kwast,SM and HB for sending me cards over here...
I really appreciate it.. It means a lot to me getting them.. and they are so pretty!!
They remind me that i am not forgotten and i have pple back in singapore who are waiting for me to go back... :)

Thank God for that.

My apologises...

2006-12-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

My dears,
Ur fren here is very sorry that i have not kept this blog updated as much as i would want to see it being done.
I'm truly sorry abt that...
As much as i tried... I can only call that few pple during the wkend within the notions of reasonable hours.. in singapore and not haunting pple durin the wee hrs of the night...

Personally i came to some realisations ..
1. I am going to give up "him", for those of u who noes abt him..
Reason being that i have been disappointed with him, and i think that it is plainly and crystal clear that he does not feel the same way abt me. Period. and i dun wan to continue to hope in it anymore.What ever i could have done, i had done.

2. I am introduced to the harsh world of politics, manipulsiveness, with all sort of pple in place.
Some pple juz wan to make use of u. It is scary, how pple can be like hidding a dagger in their "nice" smiles... Very scary...

3.Have been working on a Project called HCF. It's been good and the amt of starting material that i am working on is getting larger and larger, and it can get scary cos i need to do a reaction with a certain amt of danger in that.
On the team, my sup and another gossipy GUY, and one competnet and one incompetent chemist. a conclustion that i get for this- COMMUNICATION IS REALLY IMPT!

4.the reason y i am coming to this blog again is bcos i think it is easier for me to update many pple at one go, instead of getting individual pple... at least i can still get some other pple that i dun call updated. I'm realy sorry abt this- i get tired after coming home frm wrk( tat's like staying most of the day) and then i cook dinner, finished dinner, take a bath.and the time is 9pm. MSN, read Bible- 11-12 pm.
Tat's my day.
So i find it hard to maintain contact, esp the distance, esp the time difference...
Zhong Hua and WAng Fang, how do u all maintain contact with home and ur frens?
Pls tell me.... :)

Tat's all for now, i am tired... (-.-)zzZZ

Sick

2006-11-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hey gals/guys...
Will nt be online tonight/today bcos ur fren here is sick.
Had a rough day at work today.
Did a stupid thing which resulted in staying back late, and now i face a uncertain reaction...
I can only pray that my di-aldehyde does not decompose into something else.
If it does, my sup will prob kill me.

Off to bed.

Some feelings...

2006-10-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

It's been one mth since i have been here..
Some of the feelings are starting to set in.
Feelings of being alone, feelings of feeling tired and frustrated when i have to deal with other pple staying in the house.
Feeling of being disconnected frm watever is going on in Singapore.

Now, there is this chinese song called Huai Jia playing on YES 93.3...
This is juz great, it has boost my atmosphere to write.
This is not really a sob-filled and tear jerking entry.

I think this has arise bcos i come to the realisation that as much as i might wan to keep in touch and everything, there is a limit to as how much i can try.
For instance, i called someone last sunday afternoon, knowing that this was the time that the person who be free, cos it's the time that the person goes to church.
After calling 30 numbers, and after redialing continuously from 1pm to 130pm Singapore time, i think it is time to give up. Out of the many times that i called, only one i got thr' and it was bcos the phone was in the bag,and due to either divine intervention, i could hear the conversations going on. i put down the phone and i was and am reasonably upset.
I tried again on Singapore time Sunday night.
No reply. No pick up.
I tried last night, which is Sat morning. No reply, no answer.
Tried this morning at 11 am ( which is 11pm Sat) no reply, no answer.
After trying so many time for juz one person, it is hard to say that i am not disheartened.
Am i being unreasonable?
I dun think so... Bcos i have alr tried to call at the most humane hours...haiz..
wat can i say?
I am worried that something happened to the person.
but then frm the conversations that i heard, i think the person is well.
I guess when u are so far away home, one wld certainly wish that the pple ard him/her wld nt forget him/her.Maybe bcos i m so far away frm home, and there are somethings that are not going well here, the feeling of neglect gets to me. The innate fear that pple move on in their lives without me... I can't tell my housemates the tots on my mind, i can't tell them how much i miss someone, i can't tell them my concerns..i can't tell them how concerned i am with regards to the happening in my frens' lives...,

I called someone else next, the person din pick up as well.
It makes me feel as if i am on the wrong frequency, and that no one in the sane mind would pick up. It is indeed a lonely feeling.
But this person, i can understand..
I read her blog.. How i wish that i am in Singapore now.
At least, she wld have comfront, at least i noe wat is going on.

Today it rained the whole day.
And I, stayed at home for the whole day.
Yes, i am a boring person.
I juz feel like staying at home juz to get some tots sorted out.
Read a bk that i bought by C. S Lewis called "till we have faces"..
I wanted some privacy.then one of my housemates who was bored came into my room, sat in my bed.. and there went my afternoon of SO-litude.
Out of the , 2 went to the Halloween party at the pub..
I'm nt into pubs and as a Christian i dun think i wan to be at a Halloween party.
The man went out drinking.
The other woman is on webcam with her husband.

I am living by the phase-" Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy."- Hebrews12:14.

DISC- we have all sort of combination here.
One is DC- singapore style
One is CS- same as me
One / two is IC/ID....
haha.......It is a challenging time.

Since then...

2006-10-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Realised that i have not really posted pictures of my earlier days when i juz reached boston.So i have placed a preview of things that i have done here...

The top 2 pics where taken when my plane was going to boston frm detroit, and i was going to reach boston.
I stayed in the hotel called, Hotel @MIT, where it is smacked in the center of MIT campus.
NUS and NTU really cannot compare to these campus.. A whole region with shops, streets belong the the campus, the roads are patrolled by campus security, and their individual bulidings are all ard...
What is amazing abt the hotel.. is the Blanket cover...
They dun call it MIT for nothing...
Hopefully after slping in the bed, i get smart... MUHAHAHA...

Generally there are interesting things tat singapore dun have..
Interesting fact #1. You cannot dispose ur household gabage in the public dustbin. You are liable to fine USD 25 bucks if caught.
Interesting fact #2. You have to bring out the garbage on Monday night, bcos they will collect your trash on early tuesday morning. If you miss it.. U got to live with the garbage for one more wk...
Interesting fact #3. Squirrels are very cute and are feel to move abt here.. They have actually chewed my house cable, and we were nt able to access the internet...
there's a myth abt squirrels and their tails.. the bushier their tails, the colder the winter to come..
<-- so is this considered bushy? Got this baby squirrel who was busy cracking its nut... at Acadia National park..

Interesting fact #4. ( and a painful one) For every meal that you have at a resturant( there is no hawker center here.. though there are fast food) U have to tip.. basically anything that has service relasted to it, u got to tip... frm taxi, to haircut.. to bellboy...

Interesting fact #5
The sun can shine on u... and u can still feel cold...

Interesting fact #6
There is something called daylight savings which starts this wk for me. It means that i can slp later in bed... hehe.. frm my naive understanding, during summer, there is so much "day" time ( frm 400AM to 8PM) that it translate to savindgs for us..
Here it means that if i dun adjust my clock/ watch... and i go to work at 900Am, it is actually 800AM.... how it really works i got no idea.. muhaha....

These are juz some facts of living here..

More pictures of Acadia National Park...

2006-10-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

the trail that i took...
Standing on the horizon? The 4 ladies of the house
Putting my first step...
Wat will it be when i look back after 18 mths?

Apparently i cannot load more than 5 pics in an entry?

I wanted to load the ones that i took at the peak of this mountain called Cadilac mountain, which is the highest along the east coast.

The winding road to the peak was scary, cos it feels as if it is going to fall off the cliff and all of us will juz die in the crush.

It was a beautiful day, with the sun so brightly shinning.. btw, we took the ocean trail, which explains that other than the blue SEA, it is still the blue sea..

The sea that it is facing, if i am not wrong is the Altantic Sea.. but i could be wrong...

I juz wished that all of u can see all the pictures that i have taken.. and that u can be here to share the view and the experience with me..

some pictures from Acadia National park

2006-10-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

At the hotel, at dawn break
Part of Acadia National park,Ocean Trail
Autumn Foilage in backgrd
The hills behind me..
A scenic picture

A step forward

2006-10-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

As the name of the blog states, this is a learning journey for me personally.
It marks the start of the many beginnings, the first time of the many other first times.

Even as i have left home for near 3 wks, it has been a time of change after change.
On this trip there are things which i have started off in mind.
this will indeed be a time which i will learn many things.

Even at work, it can be challenging at times to work with my sup.
I noe tat this is part of growing up and i will need to grow up..
There are things that i am challenged to do, to out grow it, to change, to adapt..
For instance, my sup is a more big picture person, while i am someone who is more detailed orientated, which makes it highly challenging, as she wld question me the rationale of my dealing with certain things.
It challenges me to look beyond the small details which i am so inclined to do so...
Mayb this is an area that i need to grow..

Meanwhile, i live each day taking a small step towards my goal.