note to self.

Dear self,
U have not been ur usual self for the past 1 wk.
What is wrong with u?

Self to me:
Dear me, everything is wrong with me.
but i dunno wat is wrong... it makes me frustrated and it makes me scared.
It makes me wanna die immediately on the spot.
i have been irritated with self for the past 1 wk, but esp so today, when i messed up my reaction.
M told SY that m i stressed.
I am DEFINITELY stressed. To the pt that i have nothing to say and i juz suppressed it.
Worked till half way and i really wanted to sit in the park for a while. Just a while.

Y did i mess up that damned reaction? wat is wrong with me?
I tihnk i'm feeling stressed, cos i feel no one trusts me. and i'm juz one rotten person.
Spoke to chua abt it last night, and he was suggesting that it might be i'm prone to depression.
U see, deep inside, there's something bothering me. and yet i dun really noe wat it is.
It is precisely not knowing wat it is that bothers me again.

Sup asked SY m i stressed...? and to top things off... she asked if i am still worried abt Uncle S...
Winner liao... at that i'm speechless.
right now, if any one wld lend me ur shoulders.. juz let me wail/ cry it out, and i wld feel better.

Part of my stress came frm this wk's ER2 incident, after which work piled up.
And that sup kept asking hw things are..
and i keep messing things up... there is a deep sense of anxiety..which i cannot explain.
mayb it's the anxiety/ the fear that i'm not gd enough...

Taking care of S was like supping my energy..
THe other day he was telling me that he was super touched by our gestures.. and that he felt "loved"....
and i realising to my shock and horror, i very much wan to see him everyday...if nt, i will feel very irritated.
this is bad.. really bad..
I need my time out from him.. but yet i wan to spend time wiht him.
Contradictory rite?

mayb i'm thinking too much.
we are just friends..
We NEED to be juz friends.

I hate this shit that comes when i fall for a guy.
this whole thing of i like him, but i duno hw he feel.. or i like him but we cannot b together.
I juz need to wean off him.
I'm continuously fighting the attraction force that draws me to him....

HBK, STOP thinking abt the impossible and the untruths!!
Get a reality check....

I've got 3 days to settle to my old self, one that doesn't mess up the reactions.
Jesus, pls hold me... I'm too weak to hold on.