hanging there.

the past few wks have been torturous.
As i close a chapter of my frenship with someone, whom i trusted, and knew somewhat well, it pains me to see that this had to come to such an end.
Time will heal all wounds. Those inflicted on me and by me.
I tried to put myself in the person's shoes, and say that.. well... it muz be hard.. and i tried to comprehend.
But i juz couldnt.
I realised that the basis of that inablility to comprehend stemed from the different priorities we have in life.
I agree that i did the person wrong, and that i'm sorry abt it.though sorry cannot work wonders.
BUT.... i wont bring it this far.
even if u tell me that u have forgiven me, i can still see the smoke behind the curtains.

i think it wld be better for us not to meet.and i dun feel like meeting the person anymore.
ZILCH. NOPE.
somehow, i'm starting to get mad at the person.
The bd msg was juz lip service, and i think i deserve better.
i mean, if you dun feel like emailling me a bd msg, then dun.
Cos i'm nt forcing u to do so.
and u dun have to feel compel to maintain gd r/s with me.

miss ten has been driving me crazy for the past 1 wk... and i really need a break.
my own packing is almost done... juz that i got overweight luggage... and not even space for everything!!!
i need a break frm the company pple who are asking more on the company tat i'm going to wrok for.
the start up that i'm working for shld have been a secret... and i had on many occassions said a white lie.. so that i dun ahve to answer those qns..
it doesnt' help that there are pple who are going ard the company , shouting at the top of the roof that she's coming back...

i need to be able to laugh at myself....
the overcritical spirit of myself.. is nt doing me gd..
God, pls come thr' for me!

first job offer...

Tmr i will get my very first job offer..
It's kind of nerve wrecking.. when i dunno whether what the normal "terms and conditions" are in the first place.
and there are so many outstanding issues to be covered.

kinda scared.. cos pple here are kind of in the same boat.. and i dunno whether even if i ask the pple's opinion, wld they be honest with me?

It's like everyone is second-guessing everyone.
Or am i , being usual, and reading too much into it?

A senior at training,did not return my msn msg for 3 days after they had the meeting, prior to us...
Someone threw this idea at me- that... i shld nt expect the relationship to be the same.
They might be eager to get news frm me, and they dun wanna share the news.
The thing is that... is this a perception or this is the truth?
if it is the truth, then it's scary.. cos pple are juz manipulating me..
*shudders*

i think i prob lack the confidence to want to do my own thing.
tat's prob the problem that i have now.

haiz... i wonder if s is doing the same thing to me?
Simply manipulative?

anyway, i shldn't focus on the negative tots...
and hopefully the offer is GOOD!!!
hhehe...

blah..

i sort of told my housemate abt s.
she agrees that he treats me rather well... and that there are times when he do something weird..
like suddenly wanting to go out for 7 days a wk...

but she also agreed that things with him are going to be complicated.
she was telling me taht she thinks he's probably gonna ask me out when we get back to singapore.
but this time, only me.
tat's wat she expect.. and actually me too..
but we shall see.

mayb he'll forget all abt me, and that we will start with a clean slate.
argg... i shall focus on the truth, on the present only!!

DD day tmr

In 6 hrs, he wld be packed off in a plane and going home liao.
I hope that i will nt cry at the airport... to see him leave.
The tot of him not coming back with us... makes things look bleaker.

even today in the lab, tots of him nt coming back with us, wld suddenly strike me and i wld feel so lost at once.
i shall, muz not cry tmr.

we went out for dinner tonight, and he told 10 the reason for his wanting to come out and eat.
we reached home rather late, and he juz had to remind me that it is his last night in boston.
made me feel even sadder.

today sy told me something very funny.
apparently, Marta got interested and asked SY whether s and i are dating.
i believe that it is sy's interest as well that she came and ask me
i merely said taht we are nt dating but juz gd frens.
with this said, it means that i muz not mess up my reactions after he is gone, and muz continue to keep an upbeat spirit...
that is the LONG shot.

the fragility of life.

how things changes from one moment to another.
first, he told me that his aunt got cancer.
then we were toking abt it... like how his family .. ENTIRE family was in cahoots not to let him know.... and he was like a bit upset abt that....

a few hrs later, he was msning wiht me and told me to call him on skype.
apparently, it was a greater web of deceit that he first tot...
his family had been paying the hospital bills for his aunt's family and had been going over for 3-4 mths to cook for his aunt's family and have their meals...
and hence, there's a financial burden on his family...
From someone who was so sure that he was gonna stay, to someone who has to prob stay in singapore... Indeed, God is soverign.
So now, he faces a dilemma.
Shld he be selfish and continue to stay here, or shld he juz go back to teaching?
R n D can never pay him that kind of money that teaching does.
and if he goes back to teaching, i'm probably not gonna see him for 6-9 mths... shld i stay on.
we'll see hw...

but, somehow the tot of not seeing him... makes me feel edgey...
we went home together, and he was telling me all abt his family and stuff... some very personal stuff... and somehow, i'm not sure whether i'm gonna survive without listening to his stories for 5 wks...
he said this to me over msn:
I know....after knowing you for so long I know I can talk to you....but don't tell anyone of this yet can?

I know you never tell and I trust you which is why I can tell you a lot of my personal stuff""

haiz..wat i can do is pray for him and his family...

juz a bit disturbed.

with the last few days with him, there's juz this feeling of unrest or even restlessness within me.
when he asked me out yesterday,it was kinda nice. we juz chatted non-stop...
i guess for that it was more of a fren thingy, but yet at the same time, i wanted to know whether there's more? i guess that's the unrest tat's pending up within me. the "inability to know".

Today he asked me out again. asking me if i wanna go coach to grab something for my fren.
orginally i tot that YL won't be coming-since she declined to come yesterday...
but she did today.. and somehow the conversations were kinda strained.

he has slowly become a innate part of my life. seriously with him back home, i really dun wat will my reaction b.
haiz... juz need to struggle with myself a bit more, and i will be free... :)

last few days...

He's leaving on this thursday..
the 3 of us had been out together for the past 4 days...
except for yesterday where it was juz the both of us.
i'm nt sure whether he was more chatty yesterday or it was hte presence of 10 that he din tok so much.
or it cld be that we saw each other way too often.
feeling kinda sad that he's gonna be away...
but it's gd.... there's a 5 wk break, n mayb i wld discover more abt my feelings.

unknown guy part 3

to all those who were worried abt me, and whether i went to church a not..
well i din go to churhc today, bcos golda was not able to pick me up..
after a few more wks, i shld be able to go ...

apparently i think that guy was trying to get a date on Vday...
bcos he stopped calling after V day.. or rather stop giving me msgs...
But i think i'll still exchange my no with uncle.
not much of an update...