first job offer...

Tmr i will get my very first job offer..
It's kind of nerve wrecking.. when i dunno whether what the normal "terms and conditions" are in the first place.
and there are so many outstanding issues to be covered.

kinda scared.. cos pple here are kind of in the same boat.. and i dunno whether even if i ask the pple's opinion, wld they be honest with me?

It's like everyone is second-guessing everyone.
Or am i , being usual, and reading too much into it?

A senior at training,did not return my msn msg for 3 days after they had the meeting, prior to us...
Someone threw this idea at me- that... i shld nt expect the relationship to be the same.
They might be eager to get news frm me, and they dun wanna share the news.
The thing is that... is this a perception or this is the truth?
if it is the truth, then it's scary.. cos pple are juz manipulating me..
*shudders*

i think i prob lack the confidence to want to do my own thing.
tat's prob the problem that i have now.

haiz... i wonder if s is doing the same thing to me?
Simply manipulative?

anyway, i shldn't focus on the negative tots...
and hopefully the offer is GOOD!!!
hhehe...

blah..

i sort of told my housemate abt s.
she agrees that he treats me rather well... and that there are times when he do something weird..
like suddenly wanting to go out for 7 days a wk...

but she also agreed that things with him are going to be complicated.
she was telling me taht she thinks he's probably gonna ask me out when we get back to singapore.
but this time, only me.
tat's wat she expect.. and actually me too..
but we shall see.

mayb he'll forget all abt me, and that we will start with a clean slate.
argg... i shall focus on the truth, on the present only!!

DD day tmr

In 6 hrs, he wld be packed off in a plane and going home liao.
I hope that i will nt cry at the airport... to see him leave.
The tot of him not coming back with us... makes things look bleaker.

even today in the lab, tots of him nt coming back with us, wld suddenly strike me and i wld feel so lost at once.
i shall, muz not cry tmr.

we went out for dinner tonight, and he told 10 the reason for his wanting to come out and eat.
we reached home rather late, and he juz had to remind me that it is his last night in boston.
made me feel even sadder.

today sy told me something very funny.
apparently, Marta got interested and asked SY whether s and i are dating.
i believe that it is sy's interest as well that she came and ask me
i merely said taht we are nt dating but juz gd frens.
with this said, it means that i muz not mess up my reactions after he is gone, and muz continue to keep an upbeat spirit...
that is the LONG shot.

the fragility of life.

how things changes from one moment to another.
first, he told me that his aunt got cancer.
then we were toking abt it... like how his family .. ENTIRE family was in cahoots not to let him know.... and he was like a bit upset abt that....

a few hrs later, he was msning wiht me and told me to call him on skype.
apparently, it was a greater web of deceit that he first tot...
his family had been paying the hospital bills for his aunt's family and had been going over for 3-4 mths to cook for his aunt's family and have their meals...
and hence, there's a financial burden on his family...
From someone who was so sure that he was gonna stay, to someone who has to prob stay in singapore... Indeed, God is soverign.
So now, he faces a dilemma.
Shld he be selfish and continue to stay here, or shld he juz go back to teaching?
R n D can never pay him that kind of money that teaching does.
and if he goes back to teaching, i'm probably not gonna see him for 6-9 mths... shld i stay on.
we'll see hw...

but, somehow the tot of not seeing him... makes me feel edgey...
we went home together, and he was telling me all abt his family and stuff... some very personal stuff... and somehow, i'm not sure whether i'm gonna survive without listening to his stories for 5 wks...
he said this to me over msn:
I know....after knowing you for so long I know I can talk to you....but don't tell anyone of this yet can?

I know you never tell and I trust you which is why I can tell you a lot of my personal stuff""

haiz..wat i can do is pray for him and his family...

juz a bit disturbed.

with the last few days with him, there's juz this feeling of unrest or even restlessness within me.
when he asked me out yesterday,it was kinda nice. we juz chatted non-stop...
i guess for that it was more of a fren thingy, but yet at the same time, i wanted to know whether there's more? i guess that's the unrest tat's pending up within me. the "inability to know".

Today he asked me out again. asking me if i wanna go coach to grab something for my fren.
orginally i tot that YL won't be coming-since she declined to come yesterday...
but she did today.. and somehow the conversations were kinda strained.

he has slowly become a innate part of my life. seriously with him back home, i really dun wat will my reaction b.
haiz... juz need to struggle with myself a bit more, and i will be free... :)

last few days...

He's leaving on this thursday..
the 3 of us had been out together for the past 4 days...
except for yesterday where it was juz the both of us.
i'm nt sure whether he was more chatty yesterday or it was hte presence of 10 that he din tok so much.
or it cld be that we saw each other way too often.
feeling kinda sad that he's gonna be away...
but it's gd.... there's a 5 wk break, n mayb i wld discover more abt my feelings.

unknown guy part 3

to all those who were worried abt me, and whether i went to church a not..
well i din go to churhc today, bcos golda was not able to pick me up..
after a few more wks, i shld be able to go ...

apparently i think that guy was trying to get a date on Vday...
bcos he stopped calling after V day.. or rather stop giving me msgs...
But i think i'll still exchange my no with uncle.
not much of an update...

thoughts on r/s and men

day 2 of the foolish act...
the guy is very persistent..
he keeps calling and smses and left me a voice mail which indicated he wanted to have coffee session with me..
Freaked out... with change phone with uncle when he leaves..

while we were on this topic, Yl was teasing me abt this black guy.. and that i have a date on V day...we started to tok about the past... and how we dun get dates on that very depressing day...

and we started to talk abt our past crushes/ relationships/ the type of guys we met... and the kind of crazy things we did in the past...
it's one of the more enriching conversations that we had..
i told her abt my "first" bf, and like hw we broke up...
abt the internet guy that i got to noe thr' my fren, and wld send me cards and his pics.. but that guy was really sweet.... if i din tok abt my "first" bf, i wond;t have tot of him again.
Suddenly i wonder if he still lives in the same place.
abt hte guy who sat beside me when i was in sec 2, whom my close fren was in love with, and told him abt her feelings...but...he liked someone else instead...

and even frm the guys that i had a crush in recent times, i came to realise that of all, only one crush remains deeply etched in my heart. To say that i truly loved him,might even be possible... but "wat is done is done". Time is the best medicine for myheart.

YL told me her story... and it's really sad...
a lot of regret, and pain and sadness..
i dun think that i wld have done so...?
she showed me an email that he wrote to her saying that he was sorry for making her wait, and that his answer/choice wld be his gf. The guy approached her to be his gf... but she told him to go back to his gf, though she was deeply in love with him.
when i read that email... i really felt sad for her..that like tears were swelling up in my eyes

i can not understand hw guys can juz be so rational abt everyhing.
and i came to really SEE, open eyes big big, to be totally rational abt it that juz because a guy treats u well, dun mean that he likes u..
juz becos he likes u dun mean u need to like him.

JUZ becos a guy treats u well, dun mean that he likes u..

this i need to remember..
and as i prone upon it, i realise that mayb i was being too oversenstive abt uncle, and that we are juz companions on the route.
sometimes it's funny like how one day u are totally sure that he is juz treating u as a fren, and another day u saw something "more" ..
hw can our emotions ever be stable!!!
haiz... anyway, need bed... nites to the world.

The stupid thing i did today

I did a very stuppppiiiddd thing today..
So stupid that i canot believe i did it....

I gave my no. to a stranger.

How stupid can i get...

and it;s kind of freaking me out....

here's the story....

i was on my way to chruch today... i usually attend the 4pm service but today i was meeting a fren at 11am, for the service at 11 and we were going to go for the 4pm service as well....

So as i was exiting the underground station, and that i had to climb a stair to reach to the ground level.

when i was halfway up the stairs, a man stopped me and toked to me.

the first thing that he said was,,,: "U attend Park Street... I sat next to u on one service..."

and he was busy introducing himself to me... telling me his name, and before i reach the clearance, he whipped out a pen and gave me his name and hp no.

SO..... he was telling me that he's taking a jap lesson at MIT blah blah blah...

and he aked for my no.

At this pt, ur fren juz wanted to get out of there and i made up my mind to NOT pick up the call....

and so, i gave this PERSON MY NO.......

CLAP CLAP CLAP

WINNER RIGHT??????

GUESS WAT...... He said he wld call me TONIGHT

And true enough, it was not even night when he called me...

3pm isnt wat u call night here...

and the winner thing was... the fren i was with, picked up the call when he called..

and she was saying that..." I NO SPEAK ENGLISH!!"

and the guy was still persistent...

after my fren hung up on him, he called again.. followed by 2 sms..

the funny thing was that when he called.. he " privatized" his no...

here u can do that by juz dialing * 67 followed by the no u want

and the most freaking thing of all was that... i dun remember this guy, but he cld remember me.

Given that he's an african american, it wld probably be hard for him to differentiate me from other asians... but the fact that he can pick me out in a crowd is freaky...

the reason y i think he really sat beside me was that... there is no reason y he wld noe that i'm attending park street.. though the station is park street... park street is like city hall...

u won't think that pple at cityhall station is attending St. Andrew Cathedral.

anyway, i'm juz switching my phone for the next few days.

JUZ so STUPPIIIDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!