pics frm renee's farewell...

Renee left last thursday frm boston logan airport.

Somehow, things turned out wiht her to be much better, though at times u can do nothing but scratch ur head and wonder what's up with her...

But ever since she's gone, we took down the bed sheet that divided the living room and it feels different....

Pics for viewing Me n renee, with Jazz cafe in backgrd
the 3 women of the house
Me n cathy ( sup)
M and SY
All of us ( TAP trainees)

Me and S

All of us again.... ( and the cake was really Nice!!)

Gregg and I... Worked with Gregg when M went on maternity leave...

Cool and smart man ( he's frm Yale)

Pretty Mrs Foo.... Look so cute here!!!!

These are the pple that i work, live, play, hang out with for the last 18 mths...

note to self.

Dear self,
U have not been ur usual self for the past 1 wk.
What is wrong with u?

Self to me:
Dear me, everything is wrong with me.
but i dunno wat is wrong... it makes me frustrated and it makes me scared.
It makes me wanna die immediately on the spot.
i have been irritated with self for the past 1 wk, but esp so today, when i messed up my reaction.
M told SY that m i stressed.
I am DEFINITELY stressed. To the pt that i have nothing to say and i juz suppressed it.
Worked till half way and i really wanted to sit in the park for a while. Just a while.

Y did i mess up that damned reaction? wat is wrong with me?
I tihnk i'm feeling stressed, cos i feel no one trusts me. and i'm juz one rotten person.
Spoke to chua abt it last night, and he was suggesting that it might be i'm prone to depression.
U see, deep inside, there's something bothering me. and yet i dun really noe wat it is.
It is precisely not knowing wat it is that bothers me again.

Sup asked SY m i stressed...? and to top things off... she asked if i am still worried abt Uncle S...
Winner liao... at that i'm speechless.
right now, if any one wld lend me ur shoulders.. juz let me wail/ cry it out, and i wld feel better.

Part of my stress came frm this wk's ER2 incident, after which work piled up.
And that sup kept asking hw things are..
and i keep messing things up... there is a deep sense of anxiety..which i cannot explain.
mayb it's the anxiety/ the fear that i'm not gd enough...

Taking care of S was like supping my energy..
THe other day he was telling me that he was super touched by our gestures.. and that he felt "loved"....
and i realising to my shock and horror, i very much wan to see him everyday...if nt, i will feel very irritated.
this is bad.. really bad..
I need my time out from him.. but yet i wan to spend time wiht him.
Contradictory rite?

mayb i'm thinking too much.
we are just friends..
We NEED to be juz friends.

I hate this shit that comes when i fall for a guy.
this whole thing of i like him, but i duno hw he feel.. or i like him but we cannot b together.
I juz need to wean off him.
I'm continuously fighting the attraction force that draws me to him....

HBK, STOP thinking abt the impossible and the untruths!!
Get a reality check....

I've got 3 days to settle to my old self, one that doesn't mess up the reactions.
Jesus, pls hold me... I'm too weak to hold on.

ER 2

today was ER episode 2..at MGH and Mass Eye and ear infirmary.
Uncle has been experiencing blurriness in vision ever since he got better frm the viral infection.
Seriously, i tot that that was nothing serious.. and wld go away after he returns to his normal life... at work....
Sometimes staying at home too long wld give u feelings of dizziness..

uncle went home yesterday morning not long after he got to work..
Which was gd anyway, since there was a snow storm, and i defintely dun wan him to faint in the streets...
Seeing him being sick for so long and learning to my shock and horror that he hasnnt been taking care of himself, has added another burden to my shoulders.
pple had joking said to me that i had not watched over him well enough, and given him not enough TLC, tat's y he;s sick again.
But have pple ever considered what kind of position i m in?
seriously, Cross my heart, i'm helping and taking care of him bcos i wan to see him get well and it is entirely platonic.. there's nothing romantic in there...
I hope that he wld see Christ in me, and tat wld lead him to knowing God.
Tat is my most sincere prayer.

But, seriously, as a fren, if u keep going to his house, keep caring for him, pple ard u might start tothink other wise.
i went to his house once n we chatted for 1 hr. i think he was bored..
When i got back, my housemates were telling and " complaining " that i went for such a long time..
i'm also afraid tat i wld fall for him.
and i'm juz tired of worrying abt him liao.
whether he is eating.
As long as he is back on his feet, i will be able to rest.

I look forawrd to that day.

wat's happening...????

I really dunno why...
Been feeling very frustrated and irritated these days...
there are things that i ought to do... and yet i dun wan to do it...
The tots of doing the presentations slides....juz burdens me, and crushes me...
I feel so tired...
what is it that i am continually fighting against...
what invisible wall is it that i am pushing against?

somehow these days at work had been so defeating...
things that i noe, but i juz forget....
reverting to the old me again...

I juz feel so tired... so so tired...
i juz wanna rest and relax...
like watch animation/tv at home... but i need to do my slides and reading up on my chemistry...
ARG....
the past wk i had nt been slping well and had been "injecting" caffeine...

I'm juz thankful tmr is friday.

I no longer put titles..
Cos i seriously dunno wat to put down..

This wk so far had been tiring... and right now i'm still aiming to slp at 1030..

It started on sat, when mr.s called and asked me to bring him to the hospital.
High fever, and he called at 11pm...
result, staying in hte hospital until 5am, and took a cab back.
I tot tat it was a cold/flu...
but it was not... it was a viral infection. and up to this day, i've been visiting him every evening to make sure he doesn't die/faint without anyone's knowledge.

I had been asking myself,whether i am doing this bcos i "like" him or wat..
But i realised that it's bcos i am constantly reminded of the time that i was seriously sick.
With 40 degrees fever and my mum wanting to treat me using her remedy...
I suffered for 4 days, without getting better...
I dunno hw this looks to other pple... whether thye think i'm juz being weird...
HAIZ.

Job search has been tough... SO far i only saw 2 positions that i sort of like,
but one of it is in TUAS....
the position whihc is supposed to have some offer letter has turned up nothing at this mmt...
And i'm still waiting...

Waiting to apply to a company for a position...
there's no opening... been busy writing a cover letter..
and there's a presentation waiting for me to do....
I think i'm under a lot of stress.... shoulders aching again..
i wish pris was here to loosen those muscles.....

anyway, going to bed.
nites world.