Emotional turmoil.

I've finally being able to lean against the pillows in my bed, with a soft dim light by my side,typing away.

As i past into my 1st anniversary here in boston, I cannot help but be shocked at the rate at which things and time go past u...
Many pple wld tell me that this is the prime of my life. But somehow, i dun feel so..?
Does being in one's prime mean that one is lost? or that one has many options?
a year has just passed. Just like THAT.
25 Sept 2006, when i stepped into Logan Airport- it was the start of autumn.
25 Sept 2007, summer is ending and autumn is here soon.
I can still rememeber the first meal we had here, the first visit to THE house, the first trip that i had. Boston, even though i think that it is qt boring, will always have a special place in my heart.It is different from the other cities i have gone to.

now, back to the topic of 1 yr, what have i learnt over this time?
maturing as a person?
learning to deal with my own emotional stress better?
cannot help but see my own failures...
sometimes seeing them makes me more depressed.. and stressed, as i try even harder to overcome those probs..
seeing my failures make me understand my own need for a Savior, but it is that same thing that keeps me away from Him.

I have seen pple from all walks of life... and become frens with them.
pple whom i would not have known in singapore.
Bcos of this, u will also be exposed to the variety of pple.. the different mindsets, attitude , way of life.

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There are somehtings that i have been trying to put it out of mind, but my heart finds it hard to let it go.
Someone told me that he's going to bring me out when i get back to singapore, to eat some of things that i wanna eat, and have nv eaten b4.
Whether this is an empty promise, i noe not.
in the realm of BGR, i am really a rookie. nono... a complete idiot.
He is one person that i noe that i shld stay clear of.
He told me part of his past, a part where no one else here noes.
I salute him for what he had gone thr' . My mind says "stay clear", my heart feels that why did he tell it to me?
I think that i'm viewing things thr' a rose-tinted glasses- one that sees a possiblity.
why does he keep asking me if i wan to go home, and whether i'm done?
why does he ask me if i am going for lunch?
why does he msn me and ask me whether i wan to go out on a wkend?
why does he put his hand on my shoulder when we are taking a pic?

To each of the question, i have the rational answer.
why does he keep asking me if i wan to go home, and whether i'm done?
He just wan someone to go home with him.
why does he ask me if i am going for lunch?
He just wan company.
why does he msn me and ask me whether i wan to go out on a wkend?
He just wan compnay.
why does he put his hand on my shoulder when we are taking a pic?
He's just being friendly.

And to top it off, a part of me ACTUALLY wans to be with him.

Bad omen.

I am the uninitated in the world of dating. To the naive me, all these seem to be laden with hidden meaning. But i noe that it could be me overreacting, and falling in love with LOVE himself. If anyone can make sense of what i am feeling, pls drop me a comment.

I noe that i m more sensitive and think more .... that's y i need frens to advise me... U will definitely see things clearer than me...

I need the strength and the will to walk away from this.

I keep reminding myself of his situation. of his reality.

i cannot imagine being on the trip with him, and a few others.

I will be stuck on the 7 hr flight with him ALONE, until we get to seattle.

God, please be with me. Amen.

My Savior's love

Sang this song at church today. It is really meaningful, brought some tears to my eyes.

My Savior's love
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

For me it was in the garden
He prayed: “Not My will, but Thine.”
He had no tears for His own griefs,
But sweat drops of blood for mine.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

In pity angels beheld Him,
And came from the world of light
To comfort Him in the sorrows
He bore for my soul that night.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,’
Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

It was particularly toucihing for me, becos i had just recieved emails frm frens who were sincerely asking me how i was, updating me abt their lives.
Some were asking if my family needed anything, whether shld she go over and visit them, talk to them...
These were gestures that deeply moved me.
I'm really really blessed by these actions.
On top of that, May's coming over to US to visit me. Something which not a lot of trainees had.
Most of them had parents over, but not really friends.
YL was telling me that my frens all give me face- and fly over here to visit me.
I'm really blessed by these small gestures. It really does make a difference to me.

I realised more and more that i had been mauling over things that made me stress, or unhappy, instead of thinking positively.
If Pris is here, she'll definitely scold me and tell me that i'm too negative and shld look at things frm a brighter side.
Things like going to grad sch, career opportunities, personal developement has gone thr' my mind a zillion times, and preoccupied my mind that i had no time to think abt other things.
I've been thinking about doing a Masters in Chemistry, just that i'm not sure whether to do it concurrently when i'm serving my bond to the nation. that would translate into lessons after work, leave taking for examinations, and lab after labs.
Or wld i take a full time MAsters, and see if i do well enough to convert PhD?

I think i wld need time to think abt that ...